why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
