my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
