I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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