is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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