weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's paint friendship bongs
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
