just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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