you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
