dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
