If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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