I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
