Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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