I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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