Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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