Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
