My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
