haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
