Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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