My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
