Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he fucked my hip out of place.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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