If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
