Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
