i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
