he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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