He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
