Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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