I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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