I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
