I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
