I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
