So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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