Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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