Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
