if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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