i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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