I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
