Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
