I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
