Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
