Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
