I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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