You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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