i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
