Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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