If i come over, it means nothing
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
