Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
