I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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