..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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