There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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