I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize