Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
high people should be assigned attendants
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
