I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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