She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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