It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize