Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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