just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
