Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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