When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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