Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
