The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
