How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize