I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
