a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize